I know I’m twenty, but I feel like I’m fifty! Or probably older, since some people in their fifties are looking younger and appear to be more youthful. I feel like I have some weird Benjamin Button case, not physically but mentally. It’s that or I’m just socially awkward. I’ve watched videos on how to not feel awkward around people, and the video says to be myself. But I feel like being myself doesn’t satisfy other people. People like wild people who don’t think. Well that’s just my opinion. I’m calm, relaxed and like to have deep conversations. And I have yet to meet anyone who likes who I am.
Oh well. I kind of gave up on finding friends. If I don’t have friends now, how is it possible to have friends in the future? I like being by myself, but I don’t like it when a lot of people can see how alone I am. I feel uncomfortable when a crowd sees me alone. Society condemns people who are alone, so when I see a crowd looking at me being by myself, I can see their conditioning through their eyes. “Why is she by herself?” “Does she have any friends?” “She’s probably lame.” “She’s boring.” All of these thoughts go through my head because I believe that’s what people are saying when they see me alone.
Anyway, being an old soul is just painful that’s all. Especially when I’m around people who talk loudly and aren’t too fond of peace and quiet. Ugh! I’m tired of living in my head all the time. When the day is over, I have a headache from all the thoughts that went through my head during the day.
I want my life to get better. I hope it does.