The Root of My Depression

I’ve been very depressed lately. I’ve been so depressed to the point where I wished someone could just take my life. I’ve been having deep urges to not be here on this planet. Earth is a beautiful place, but the people inhabiting this planet are the complete opposite.

I was watching YouTube videos on what depression is and what I should do to eliminate it. A man in this one video I watched said, “Depression is not getting something you wanted.” I began thinking about what I wanted and how I didn’t receive it. I don’t want all the basic things people want like: a promotion, a car, a good-looking spouse. I don’t care about any of those things. Then, I went deeper into my thoughts, What did/do I want that I don’t have right now?

I came to a conclusion that I wanted a great college experience and I wanted to have intelligent friends in college or in life in general. I don’t have that. My college experience is equivalent to horse shit and there are no intelligent people in college. Don’t let the college advertisements fool you. The only activities college students want to do is party. They don’t want to have deep conversations or talk about how to leave Earth in a better condition than when we came here. Party, party, party.

I believe that’s where my depression stems from—not having a great college experience and not having friends to share ideas with or change the world with. Those are the things I wanted badly, and I still do. Now that I know the root of my depression – now what?

What should I do? I’m in my third year of college and my college experience is not getting any better. I’m coming across more students who I wonder about on how they got accepted. (I’ve met college students who didn’t know what an arsonist was or what a skinhead was.)

Should I just say “Fuck It,” and keep it moving? Should I just focus on getting my piece of paper—oh! I mean my degree—and not pay attention to my peers at all?

College is not what I thought it would be. I thought it would have been a great place to meet like-minded individuals. But it’s a place of great disappointments and debt.

I guess I’m just going to stay in my lane, get good grades, find a job to expedite my student loans, and find a way to be happy (or at least sane) on this planet. I’m here for a reason and I don’t know that reason yet. I just hope that my reason and my purpose to be here would present itself to me before I start to lose my mind – if I haven’t already.

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