I need to speak up more. When I was calling a box delivery company, I saw a college student walk out of Starbucks. When I was finished with my call, we suddenly met up with each other at the library door. I opened it for myself and opened the door wider for him to enter behind me. He said “Thank you.” And did you know what I said? I said, “Mm hm.” WHY THE FUCK DID I SAY THAT? WHY DIDN’T I OPEN MY MOUTH AND SAY “YOU’RE WELCOME?”
I know it may not seem like a big deal, but it is – to me. I came this far in bettering myself and becoming my greatest version, and I can’t even say “You’re welcome” around a dude. I still feel awkward around men? That’s pathetic.
I guess I do. But I don’t want that anymore. I am confident, but not enough to talk around people I guess. When I’m alone, I feel so good and comfortable. When I’m around other people, I become jittery and anxious. I guess that’s another hurdle I must jump over—the hurdle of anxiety when I’m around people.
Now that I’m aware of it—and I went through it in a small gesture as to opening the door for someone—I’m going to consciously catch myself shying away from the presence of other people. It’s going to be hard, but it will be worth it. It’s worth a try.