Loving myself is a lifelong journey

This post has to be one of the most hardest topics to write about—myself. Loving myself can be a challenge as well. I want to write about this because I want to commend myself on the internal conflicts that I overcame. During these past four years, I realize that I like to be alone, be apart of deep conversations, writing, and reading.

The difficult thing for me is to not care about what other people think of me. I think once I get over that hurdle in my life, I will be unstoppable. There are times when I don’t, but there are times when I do.

I must learn that I can never please everyone. The only person I should please is myself.

Others still haven’t grasped the concept of my individuality. As a human being, I know that it is difficult to understand one. But I feel like I am greatly misunderstood by my peers. I am still categorize in this box. But I am more than what they can ever think of me as.

I don’t care what anyone says. The most challenging thing to do is to be yourself. When there is no one like you to follow in the footsteps of, you have to create your own path.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” – Oscar Wilde

I am still working on the romance part as I say this mantra everyday, “I am enough. I am good enough. I am worthy.” 

I love who I am and I won’t change it for the world.

Eating Right

I made a promise to myself to eat healthier. In the past weeks, I’ve been eating a lot of junk food from the vending machines. And when I went grocery shopping, I will also buy junk food. I feel like I have a salty-food craving, and the junk food that satisfies that are chips. I told myself that after this week, I will not eat anymore chips (since that seems to be my Achilles heel).

Today I bought many fruits to steer me away from going to the vending machines and to erase my cravings for chips. Fruits alone won’t stop me from my cravings, my mind and willpower to stop eating junk food will truly stop me from doing it. Every time I feel down, I always resort to junk food to fill some kind of void. In the short-run, chips will do that. But in the long-run, it is not a good feeling that I turned to a manufactured and processed “good” to make me feel better. Thinking about it makes me feel weak. I shouldn’t let something that’s created in a factory and in laboratories to make me feel good.

So I made a promise to myself to not be a slave to chips. I will eat more fruits and have the strength to not succumb to my cravings. I have the power, not the junk food. I can’t wait to face my cravings with my new insights and new willpower.

Bye cravings. Hello, healthier lifestyle!

How I Feel About College Tour Guides

I decided to take some time out of my day to share my thoughts on what I feel about college tour guides. Since I’m taking classes over the summer, I’ve seen many incoming college freshman taking tours around campus. They are getting themselves acquainted with the college campus they will be walking on for the next four years of their lives.

College can be a great experience for some. For others, it can feel like hell. Well for me, I have to say I agree with the latter. I never really got the hang of college – socially. And I feel like college is all about being social and I’m the exact opposite. I’m in my third year, and I still don’t like college.

When I see tour guides leading and talking to the incoming freshmen, I feel like they are being liars. I know what you’re saying, “Why do you care?” I’m writing about this because I need to get it out of my system. I’ve been seeing too many faces of incoming college freshmen thinking their college experience will be the greatest experience of their lives. I’m here to write out on how they are truly mistaken. I’m writing this as a warning for any incoming college freshman. I’m doing what I wish someone would have done for me when I was on my way to college.

Reflecting on how I was when I made my decision to come to college, I felt tricked and unaware about the mental toll and the anxiety college would have on me. And right now, I feel like I’m carrying a burden of the ignorance I had for college and “the great college experience.”

Okay, so here we go. College tour guides are liars. They are putting up a front to the incoming college freshmen. Telling them how great college is and how happy they will be here. Straight. Bull.Shit. These incoming college freshmen on the tours are taking the bait, and I want to tell them what the bait REALLY IS!

How can the tour guides walk around campus convincing people how great college is? I can’t do that. My experience has been the worst experience I can ever go through or think of. Even with my crazy imagination, I could never create a story that will be similar to what I went through in college.

Based on my experience with college tour guides, I realized they were NOT being honest with me. I realized that now, since I knew what I got myself into. Why weren’t they real with me? Why did they plaster fake smiles across their faces? They should have just been honest with me. Just say, “Hey look, college is hard. Just make sure what you’re signing up for, okay?” Not one of those “amazing” college tour guides told me that – not one. And that’s why I don’t like them. If they weren’t truthful to me, what makes the incoming college freshmen think that they are being truthful to them?

“But you’re in college.” I know I’m in college. But if I knew what I know now, I would have made a better and wiser decision. But I didn’t. I just jumped straight into the hole without thinking of the consequences and without knowing the TRUTH about why college is REALLY here in our society.

I don’t like liars. Start telling the truth to incoming college freshman. Stop with the fake smiles. Stop filling their heads with high hopes and expectations. Just. Stop. It.

My Anxiety

Why does my throat close every time I see a lot of people? It feels like someone is strangling me whenever I see a LARGE group of people. What was I thinking going to a university with 50,000 students. Now, I think I would prefer a campus with fewer students. That’s why I like morning classes because everyone is still in bed. Having a class in the afternoon let’s me see EVERYONE in the university, and that’s overwhelming for me. I can’t even believe I got to class without fainting. *sighs*

Arrogance or Confidence?

I’m wondering if I’m stuck-up. I’m thinking if that’s the reason why people won’t talk to me. I guess I am in a way. But sometimes, too much confidence and knowing “too much” comes off as arrogance. I don’t think I know everything, but I know enough to not feel comfortable around my peers. When I’m around my peers, I don’t feel like myself because I want to communicate about bettering the world, society, the government. Most—not all—don’t want to have that conversation right now, and I’m wondering if they ever will.

As I’m walking to class, I see university students looking happy – almost oblivious to the world’s atrocities. I hate sounding negative, but I want to meet people who want to make the world a better place – right now! Not go to parties, be tour guides for incoming freshman, or believing that everything is okay. Nothing is okay!

When I see people doing something that’s not benefitting humanity, I start to get “stuck-up.” I don’t want to be around people who don’t think the way I do on a global scale.

I can’t take the gossiping, the parties, and the socializing. I’m tired of that!

I feel too old for my age. Everyone in my age group wants to party, socialize, and gossip. And here I am reading books and the news like an old woman. I don’t connect to anyone in my age group, and that is truly sad. I love living in this generation, why won’t my generation love me back? We can do a lot together as a team—as a generation. But how can we do that when most of us aren’t on the same page?

Are we ever going to be on the same page? I hope so.

Is that too much to ask for?

Typical

It seems like I will always be an outcast. I can’t fit in anywhere. I like being myself, but it is painful to feel the cost of being who you are around people who don’t accept you. Today on my newsroom shift, I felt ostracized and needed. I don’t like that feeling. To be needed and yet, no one thinks you exist.

Emotional roller coaster

Can depression ever disappear? I thought it can once I came out of my depression back in my freshman year in college. But now I feel like I’m depressed all over again. Once I’m happy, I become sad, and the cycle continues. I’m sick of this cycle. Why can’t I remain stable and consistent with my emotions? I wish I wasn’t like this. I don’t like this emotional roller coaster I go through occasionally.

All That You Have Is Your Soul by Tracy Chapman

Synchronicity

I couldn’t help it. I had to write about what took place this morning. Yesterday I wrote on, ‘How can an introvert exist in this world?’ When I browsed through YouTube, I saw a video titled, How To Be An Introvert In A Loud World. My mouth dropped with amazement. It’s crazy how I was thinking this same thought a day ago, and now someone on YouTube made a video on it. I was watching the video knowing how everything is connected.

All I need to do is express how I feel and believe in myself no matter what. Everything else will fall into place.

Freshman Fury

When I was in the newsroom and I saw a freshman. For some reason I got mad. I don’t know if it was jealousy. But I think it was. When I was a freshman and sophomore in college, I locked myself in the dorm. I didn’t talk to anyone nor look to gain any leadership experience/skills. I didn’t try to make friends nor join any clubs because I was fighting my inner demons. I was fighting my insecurities and I was trying to ease the process of adjusting into a new atmosphere. It took me two years to finally adjust, and I’m still uncomfortable.

So when I see freshmen already getting acquainted with the college life, a sense of anger and jealousy comes over me. How come I wasn’t mentally prepared for college? Why wasn’t I a happy freshman?