Why do I feel uncomfortable when I’m ostracized?

At this point in my life, I should have already been accustomed to being alone. But during an event when it was obvious that I was being ostracized, you would think that it was my first time being by myself. Why is that?

That’s what I thought to myself when I went back to my dorm: Why was I in need of someone’s approval?

Some of us seek acceptance in others, but it is very dangerous if you do so. It is dangerous because they can take advantage of you and treat you in a way you don’t want to be treated.

These are all my thoughts. I am just speaking from experience. Every time I am seeking acceptance from others I am always left disappointed. Then I place blame on them when I am the one to blame for even giving them the power to choose if I’m approved by their acceptance of me.

I’m glad that incident happened because it showed me that I have a long way to go when it comes to self-love. Even though I came a long way, there’s always room for improvement.

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College

If I have to miss one thing about college—ONE thing, it would have to be the large amount of time I spend by myself. I will miss being alone in my dorm, spending the whole day in libraries, and listening to music while I walk around campus. Those are the ONLY things I will miss about college – nothing else. I realize that sooner or later I’m going to have to interact with people more than I have to now. So every time I’m alone, I will cherish every second of it.

I don’t understand how people can bring their acquaintances, “friends,” or people they JUST met to their dorms. They spent the WHOLE day around other people, and they have the audacity to bring their new “friends” back to their dorms. Why don’t they want to spend a few hours with themselves? You have been around people the ENTIRE day! Relax!

I know. It is their life. But it is my opinion.

I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Anyway, being alone is the only thing I will miss about college. A part of me wonders what my college experience would have been like if I befriended a few people, but when I eavesdropped on conversations around me, I’m glad I chose to be alone.

I wish there were people like me in college. To my surprise, there’s no one. I’m not saying EXACTLY like me, but have similar tastes when it comes to beliefs and politics. I guess everyone in college just wants to have fun. No one wants to have meaningful relationships anymore.

I’m being bias (of course) because I haven’t gone out yet. Subconsciously, I enjoy my freedom too much to meet someone that I will have to talk to on a day-to-day basis. It will be nice to meet someone who is not attached to the friendship label. Someone who can keep their distance and care about me without smothering me. Oh well.

My college days are coming to an end. Even though I have two years left, I can feel this chapter closing.

Would I Be Wasting My 20s?

Ever since I turned twenty, I began to feel the aging process. I finally realized that my time on Earth is limited. It’s kind of like a mid-life crisis, but in your twenties. I can’t help but think how quickly twenty years flew by, and in no time I’ll be forty. I even thought about having 4 sets of twenty years to live! I know that sounds crazy, but it was on my mind a few times.

Sometimes I think if I’m living my life like how a 20 year-old should live it. Then I catch myself and say, “You’re really going to take advice from society?” I like being by myself more than I like being around other people. I keep hearing that your 20s is the time to experience, explore, and make mistakes. What if I just want to listen to music, read books, and write? Am I doing the right thing? Should I do the things majority of the world is telling me to do or should I do what I feel comfortable with?

I hate how society doesn’t allow me to be who I am. Every time I do something, I have this “society subconscious” telling me what I’m doing is not the norm. It’s like an internal conflict. Then I tried to go with the norm and I didn’t like it – no matter how normal it is.

Should I be socializing? Should I get out my room? Would I be wasting my 20s? Am I wasting my 20s if I spend them watching movies and reading books? These questions have been circulating through my mind ever since I turned 20. They say don’t do something you would regret. But what if the same thing you love doing is the same thing that will make you regret in the future. Is my love for reading and being alone going to be detrimental for me in the future?

I’m tired of having these judgments in my head. Is there a right or a wrong way to live life?

I hate when I start thinking like this, but it happens. I don’t know what my 20s has in store for me. I know I have the power to make it the best or the worst. I just hope I can get through it.