My Non-Existent Dating Life

I am swallowing my pride to write this post. I keep having reoccurring thoughts.

The thoughts I’m having stems from the fact that I’m not dating anyone.

I’m not looking for a long-term relationship as of yet. But if I meet someone and it leads to that, then I’m fine with that. The problem I’m having is that I don’t even have anyone to even date or talk to. Is that even a problem?

How much of my time is too much of my time? I spend a lot of time alone on a daily basis. I do enjoy my alone time. But life is all about balance. When I’m done recharging my energy in my alone time, whom can I exert that energy onto?

Is being too selective with my energy getting the best of me?  These are the reoccurring thoughts I’ve been having lately. I don’t want to think about them. But here they are creeping back to me every chance they get.

I’m internally debating whether it’s a personal issue or a societal issue. Am I not with anyone because I am too different or do I have issues in the past and/or in my childhood that I need to resolve?

I don’t know, but I always reflect on myself to see what I can find. Since I’m usually alone, I always have the time to be introspective.

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My Personal Space

As a very busy individual, I cherish the moment I find to myself. Whatever I do in that moment I make sure I enjoy it as much as possible because I don’t know when will be the next time I will have this again in the near future.

I was sitting on a bench and a woman came and sat right next to me on the bench. Immediately irritated, I looked up to see if there were other benches available in the area. There were three benches available.

I exhaled deeply and pretended to not be annoyed. But my plan didn’t work.

I sat there for about five more minutes, gathered my belongings, and left the bench I was relaxing on.

I felt compelled to write about this situation because I take personal space very seriously. If there are other benches or seats available, please choose one of them. Don’t choose one next to me.

I always select a seat that is available without the threat of invading someone else’s personal space.

When I am having “me” time, I don’t want it to become “a stranger sitting next to me” time.

Talking about religion & spirituality

Today has been very busy and quite exhausting as well. I have projects to complete, I am a secretary for an organization, I have online homework that is due in less than 24 hours, and I found out that I received an’F’ on my first exam for the semester. Even though there’s a lot going on, I know I’ll get through it.

I was in an area where I was completing my work for the day and for the days ahead. The place was going to close in ten minutes. So I decided to use the place closing as a gateway to take a break and relax outside.

I ordered a sub and made my way outside. I was anticipating spending time alone that didn’t involve work. I sat down, inhaled deeply, then exhaled. I took a bite out of my sub and stared off into nature.

As I was enjoying my solitude, I heard a voice saying, “Hello, may we pray for you today?” It was a female student who asked me the question. She was walking with another student who was a guy.

As soon as I heard the question, the elation I once had when I was enjoying my alone time quickly vanished. I said, “I don’t know.” She continued asking me the question. Then she asked me what year I was and what major I was in.

She hesitantly began, but confidently ended the prayer. Then the guy asked, “Sorry we didn’t ask what you believed in. What religion are you a part of?”

I said, “None.” He immediately asked if I believed in God. I told him our perspectives of what God is, is different. They kept describing God as a “He” and I described God as an energy and how I am that energy. We talked for at least 20 minutes about our different “beliefs.”

I am not into religion. I don’t look outside of myself for healing. I look within. I know there is a Source that created all there is. But that shouldn’t diminish the power you have as a human being.

After the conversation, we bid farewell. As they left, I was hoping to never cross paths with them as I’m walking around campus.

Why do followers of the Christian faith on campus are the ones disturbing other’s solitude? Can I relax without being questioned on who or what I believe in?

Instead of bottling up what occurred, I decided to write about it. As if I have a choice. Whenever something is on my mind, it becomes a neccessity to write it out. If I don’t, I will go crazy.

Probably that’s one of the reasons why I was so calm when we were talking about a heated topic like religion. I was thinking to myself, This encounter will be good for my blog. Another reason I was calm during the conversation was the fact that I was a firm believer in my truth. Not any religion’s truth nor anyone else’s truth.

I speak and live my truth. I am not here to convert anyone to think like me. I just want people to have the courage and the strength to think for themselves—without any societal influence.

I made sure to emphasize that point to them, but they kept talking about their Christian faith and why they believe it. They meant well, but not in the context for my sanity.

The only time I felt sane today was when I was writing this blog post. I always feel sane when I’m writing.

Being an introvert in communications

I just wanted to address the internal tug-of-war I go through when it comes to the career I’m in. I love meeting new people and that’s the joy of being in journalism.

But the unfortunate downfall is how tiring I feel after the day is done (if it is really done). I immediately crave my alone time whenever I am finished interviewing someone. I love interviewing them, but it takes a lot of energy out of me when I do it.

I ask myself, “If it’s so tiring, why are you still doing this?” It’s rewarding, that’s why. I love the look in the interviewee’s eyes after I completed the story. I love taking a step back and admire the work I created that can touch someone else’s life.

Even though the day-to-day lifestyle of being a journalist and/or writer is tiring, the work is rewarding. As the day ends, I spend time alone and I smile commending myself on the work that was done.

Obsessing Over Myself

I felt my obsession coming on for this music artist I’ve been listening to. Then I wondered, why am I not obsessed with myself like I am with the other crushes I had and the one I’m currently having.

I’m going to make a conscious effort to ONLY think about myself. Yes that sounds conceited, but I hate giving away my energy to people who don’t deserve it or to people who don’t know who I am. I physically stopped going on social media networks for entertainment because it occupied a lot of my time. Now I need to stop wasting my time mentally.

Even though I’m not on social media as much like before, I’m still occupied by my thoughts. I’m either daydreaming or just plain thinking about anything that comes to mind.

I need to think about the now and the present – nothing else.

Fighting the Matrix

I had a hiatus on this blog. I hate the fact that I did. I created this blog for me to post my thoughts daily, but the way the matrix is set up – it doesn’t allow me to do what I REALLY want to do. It is a miracle to find the time to do what I love to do. School sucks the life right out of me. I dread the day I will have to find a job to pay back my loans.

After I came back to my room after taking an exam, I was so exhausted. I had to take a nap before I could do anything else. I swear, walking back to my room from the place I took my exam was all a blur. Whenever I wanted to post something on here, homework and projects that were assigned to me left me preoccupied in their work. I want to be preoccupied in MY passion. I tried every day to write something down, but it was unsuccessful. The matrix draining my energy once again.

Throughout the days I was busy doing projects and homework, I made sure I jotted down anything that came to mind that would be a good post for my blog – here’s one of them. I wondered why I didn’t have the time to update my blog. Then, BINGO! The assignments from my professors were the culprit. I became furious after I realized why I wasn’t posting anymore.

How can “school” be so good when it leaves you preoccupied with activities that drains your soul? Since exam week is over (for now) and most of my projects are finished, I finally have the time to post something.

It is refreshing to post on my blog again. Even though the matrix has me drained sometimes, I will not succumb to its mindless, brainwashing, and drone-praising tactics. Nope, not me. I will never stop doing what I love to do, which is to write. If I have to stay up until 3 am to post something on here – I will!