Stop Comparing

I came across another bad habit of mine. A bad habit of mine is comparing myself to others. I compare my personality to others and compare my life to theirs.

I hate it when I do that from time to time. This thought occurs when there’s a large group of people around me and they are talking with one another while I’m off to myself. I start observing them and start thinking about society’s view of happiness and acceptance.

From this observation, I see that my view of happiness and acceptance is not the same as society’s. Then I start to wonder who’s right. Me or society?

What I think of myself should be the only thing that matters. But I realize that I have a long way to go when it comes to not caring of how I look to others.

When someone looks at me, it looks like I’m unbothered. But internally, I’m not. I still have work to do on myself.

I want to be so unfazed by others to the point where millions of people can be talking to one another and I will see them and not compare myself to them.

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My Non-Existent Dating Life

I am swallowing my pride to write this post. I keep having reoccurring thoughts.

The thoughts I’m having stems from the fact that I’m not dating anyone.

I’m not looking for a long-term relationship as of yet. But if I meet someone and it leads to that, then I’m fine with that. The problem I’m having is that I don’t even have anyone to even date or talk to. Is that even a problem?

How much of my time is too much of my time? I spend a lot of time alone on a daily basis. I do enjoy my alone time. But life is all about balance. When I’m done recharging my energy in my alone time, whom can I exert that energy onto?

Is being too selective with my energy getting the best of me?  These are the reoccurring thoughts I’ve been having lately. I don’t want to think about them. But here they are creeping back to me every chance they get.

I’m internally debating whether it’s a personal issue or a societal issue. Am I not with anyone because I am too different or do I have issues in the past and/or in my childhood that I need to resolve?

I don’t know, but I always reflect on myself to see what I can find. Since I’m usually alone, I always have the time to be introspective.

Talking about religion & spirituality

Today has been very busy and quite exhausting as well. I have projects to complete, I am a secretary for an organization, I have online homework that is due in less than 24 hours, and I found out that I received an’F’ on my first exam for the semester. Even though there’s a lot going on, I know I’ll get through it.

I was in an area where I was completing my work for the day and for the days ahead. The place was going to close in ten minutes. So I decided to use the place closing as a gateway to take a break and relax outside.

I ordered a sub and made my way outside. I was anticipating spending time alone that didn’t involve work. I sat down, inhaled deeply, then exhaled. I took a bite out of my sub and stared off into nature.

As I was enjoying my solitude, I heard a voice saying, “Hello, may we pray for you today?” It was a female student who asked me the question. She was walking with another student who was a guy.

As soon as I heard the question, the elation I once had when I was enjoying my alone time quickly vanished. I said, “I don’t know.” She continued asking me the question. Then she asked me what year I was and what major I was in.

She hesitantly began, but confidently ended the prayer. Then the guy asked, “Sorry we didn’t ask what you believed in. What religion are you a part of?”

I said, “None.” He immediately asked if I believed in God. I told him our perspectives of what God is, is different. They kept describing God as a “He” and I described God as an energy and how I am that energy. We talked for at least 20 minutes about our different “beliefs.”

I am not into religion. I don’t look outside of myself for healing. I look within. I know there is a Source that created all there is. But that shouldn’t diminish the power you have as a human being.

After the conversation, we bid farewell. As they left, I was hoping to never cross paths with them as I’m walking around campus.

Why do followers of the Christian faith on campus are the ones disturbing other’s solitude? Can I relax without being questioned on who or what I believe in?

Instead of bottling up what occurred, I decided to write about it. As if I have a choice. Whenever something is on my mind, it becomes a neccessity to write it out. If I don’t, I will go crazy.

Probably that’s one of the reasons why I was so calm when we were talking about a heated topic like religion. I was thinking to myself, This encounter will be good for my blog. Another reason I was calm during the conversation was the fact that I was a firm believer in my truth. Not any religion’s truth nor anyone else’s truth.

I speak and live my truth. I am not here to convert anyone to think like me. I just want people to have the courage and the strength to think for themselves—without any societal influence.

I made sure to emphasize that point to them, but they kept talking about their Christian faith and why they believe it. They meant well, but not in the context for my sanity.

The only time I felt sane today was when I was writing this blog post. I always feel sane when I’m writing.

Why do I feel uncomfortable when I’m ostracized?

At this point in my life, I should have already been accustomed to being alone. But during an event when it was obvious that I was being ostracized, you would think that it was my first time being by myself. Why is that?

That’s what I thought to myself when I went back to my dorm: Why was I in need of someone’s approval?

Some of us seek acceptance in others, but it is very dangerous if you do so. It is dangerous because they can take advantage of you and treat you in a way you don’t want to be treated.

These are all my thoughts. I am just speaking from experience. Every time I am seeking acceptance from others I am always left disappointed. Then I place blame on them when I am the one to blame for even giving them the power to choose if I’m approved by their acceptance of me.

I’m glad that incident happened because it showed me that I have a long way to go when it comes to self-love. Even though I came a long way, there’s always room for improvement.

Feeling tired after social situations

How can I talk to people without feeling exhausted afterwards? Whenever I talk to someone it feels like I just ran a marathon.

It seems like the older I get the more I crave my own company.

A lot is going through my mind whenever I speak to someone. Imagine speaking to more than one person in the same day all at the same time, trying to gain a connection with them individually.

I don’t mind speaking to people. I just don’t like the conversations to feel forced.

How I Feel About College Tour Guides

I decided to take some time out of my day to share my thoughts on what I feel about college tour guides. Since I’m taking classes over the summer, I’ve seen many incoming college freshman taking tours around campus. They are getting themselves acquainted with the college campus they will be walking on for the next four years of their lives.

College can be a great experience for some. For others, it can feel like hell. Well for me, I have to say I agree with the latter. I never really got the hang of college – socially. And I feel like college is all about being social and I’m the exact opposite. I’m in my third year, and I still don’t like college.

When I see tour guides leading and talking to the incoming freshmen, I feel like they are being liars. I know what you’re saying, “Why do you care?” I’m writing about this because I need to get it out of my system. I’ve been seeing too many faces of incoming college freshmen thinking their college experience will be the greatest experience of their lives. I’m here to write out on how they are truly mistaken. I’m writing this as a warning for any incoming college freshman. I’m doing what I wish someone would have done for me when I was on my way to college.

Reflecting on how I was when I made my decision to come to college, I felt tricked and unaware about the mental toll and the anxiety college would have on me. And right now, I feel like I’m carrying a burden of the ignorance I had for college and “the great college experience.”

Okay, so here we go. College tour guides are liars. They are putting up a front to the incoming college freshmen. Telling them how great college is and how happy they will be here. Straight. Bull.Shit. These incoming college freshmen on the tours are taking the bait, and I want to tell them what the bait REALLY IS!

How can the tour guides walk around campus convincing people how great college is? I can’t do that. My experience has been the worst experience I can ever go through or think of. Even with my crazy imagination, I could never create a story that will be similar to what I went through in college.

Based on my experience with college tour guides, I realized they were NOT being honest with me. I realized that now, since I knew what I got myself into. Why weren’t they real with me? Why did they plaster fake smiles across their faces? They should have just been honest with me. Just say, “Hey look, college is hard. Just make sure what you’re signing up for, okay?” Not one of those “amazing” college tour guides told me that – not one. And that’s why I don’t like them. If they weren’t truthful to me, what makes the incoming college freshmen think that they are being truthful to them?

“But you’re in college.” I know I’m in college. But if I knew what I know now, I would have made a better and wiser decision. But I didn’t. I just jumped straight into the hole without thinking of the consequences and without knowing the TRUTH about why college is REALLY here in our society.

I don’t like liars. Start telling the truth to incoming college freshman. Stop with the fake smiles. Stop filling their heads with high hopes and expectations. Just. Stop. It.

Freshman Fury

When I was in the newsroom and I saw a freshman. For some reason I got mad. I don’t know if it was jealousy. But I think it was. When I was a freshman and sophomore in college, I locked myself in the dorm. I didn’t talk to anyone nor look to gain any leadership experience/skills. I didn’t try to make friends nor join any clubs because I was fighting my inner demons. I was fighting my insecurities and I was trying to ease the process of adjusting into a new atmosphere. It took me two years to finally adjust, and I’m still uncomfortable.

So when I see freshmen already getting acquainted with the college life, a sense of anger and jealousy comes over me. How come I wasn’t mentally prepared for college? Why wasn’t I a happy freshman?

This Is Only the Beginning

I’m so excited to start this blog! I created it because I felt compelled to release my thoughts and share my experiences to anyone who is willing to read them. I wanted to analyze my feelings on this platform. I go through many ups and downs mentally. It would be insane to hold all my energy without freeing it. So I told myself, ‘Why not create a blog to express my thoughts?’ The inspiration came through my sister as she was creating her own art blog. And here I am 🙂

My plan for this blog is to inspire readers to express themselves and live their lives unapologetically. It’s a daily struggle conquering my own thoughts and insecurities. But through this blog, I will highlight the meaning of the quote, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” I will grow into the person I was destined to be.  I love to write and I hope you love my words as much as I do.

-Stay True ❤