Fighting for Happiness

I’ve been feeling down lately.  I know it’s temporary because that’s life. You go through ups and downs. But this emotion I’m feeling is hard to describe this time around.

It feels like I’ve been fighting for happiness lately. This Instagram account inspired me to write this post because what she shared perfectly described what I felt when I saw it on my Instagram feed this morning. The caption of the picture read: “I have to protect myself from the bad thoughts and fight for happiness.”

When I read it, I was in shock because someone described what I was feeling.

I feel like I am fighting for my happiness. Then the question came to me: “Why am I fighting for my happiness?”

Another question came to me as well: “Should I be fighting for my happiness?” I should if I want to keep sane, right? But should we really be fighting for it? Why can’t happiness be easily attainable?

As you can see, so many questions ran through my mind. And I’m still searching for the answers to them.

I commend myself for being so reflective. The more I ask myself these questions, the closer I can achieve inner peace.

At this point in time, I will fight for happiness. It’s the only option to do so. I came here for a reason and to not fight when things get rough is doing a disservice to the Source that created me and it will be a disservice to myself as well.

I would like to see what’s in store for me in the future. I would like to witness my growth.

So I will fight for my happiness.

My Personal Space

As a very busy individual, I cherish the moment I find to myself. Whatever I do in that moment I make sure I enjoy it as much as possible because I don’t know when will be the next time I will have this again in the near future.

I was sitting on a bench and a woman came and sat right next to me on the bench. Immediately irritated, I looked up to see if there were other benches available in the area. There were three benches available.

I exhaled deeply and pretended to not be annoyed. But my plan didn’t work.

I sat there for about five more minutes, gathered my belongings, and left the bench I was relaxing on.

I felt compelled to write about this situation because I take personal space very seriously. If there are other benches or seats available, please choose one of them. Don’t choose one next to me.

I always select a seat that is available without the threat of invading someone else’s personal space.

When I am having “me” time, I don’t want it to become “a stranger sitting next to me” time.

Changing career paths at 21—or combining them

As I am finishing up my undergraduate year in college, I couldn’t help to think about my future in regards to my career.

In the beginning of my undergraduate years, I started thinking that I wanted to be a multimedia journalist. Now I’m thinking of moving in a different direction in my life. I’ve been thinking of becoming a social worker.

One of my greatest missions in life is to end poverty, hunger, oppression, and injustice in this world. Another part of me wants to have my own news network that would disseminate any news regarding those issues I previously listed.

I love to write, which is one of the many reasons why I am in the field I chose. But currently, how much truth is in our media right now? Not much. Even if they are telling society half-truths, it is still a lie. And I don’t want to be a part of any news medium that doesn’t tell the truth about society.

That’s why I decided to combine my two desires. I will be a social worker writing/reporting about the injustices in the world. I don’t know the step-by-step process yet, but I know that it will be done.

It will be done because I said so. And I will put my all into it to make my soul happy again.

Feeling tired after social situations

How can I talk to people without feeling exhausted afterwards? Whenever I talk to someone it feels like I just ran a marathon.

It seems like the older I get the more I crave my own company.

A lot is going through my mind whenever I speak to someone. Imagine speaking to more than one person in the same day all at the same time, trying to gain a connection with them individually.

I don’t mind speaking to people. I just don’t like the conversations to feel forced.

Reflections on my summer and what to expect for the future

As I continue writing on this blog more often, I couldn’t help but glance at the other blog posts I published. I came a long way, but there is always room for improvement.

The one blog post that I wanted to do a sequel on is ‘Summertime is Manifesting Time.’ I realized that I didn’t write anything over the summer.

This summer has been productive and stressful. The stress stemmed from two things: finding an internship and what I’ll be doing as a career after I graduate from college. This summer was my last summer as an undergraduate.

I’m excited, but at the same time nervous. Nervous in the sense that I don’t know what will happen. It’s the uncertainty that has me nervous. I am also eager to see what I can do.

The one thing I didn’t like about college is the false hope that a job is guaranteed. It’s like I’m on this insane merry-go-round. “Get good grades to go to college.” “Go to college to get a job.” “Get a job to get money.” The one thing that is not told to college graduates is that a job in the field they desire is not guaranteed. The job you want will not be given to you; you must WORK for it.

When I say work, I mean give it everything you got. A degree won’t cut it. The qualities that will reward you the job you desire is effort and hard work—not the degree alone. I found that out at the end of my junior year and the beginning of my senior year.

I felt angry and depressed because I believed that a degree alone will land me the job that I desire in my field. Some college graduates don’t even work at the job they wanted to work at. And that to me is a nightmare. I want to do what I love. I don’t want to compromise my talents just because I have to get a “job.”

I want my “job” to be something I love doing. I love to read, write and report. I don’t want to do anything else unless it’s one of the verbs I listed prior to this sentence. I mean it.

My mother was telling me how a student from another university is working at a job she didn’t study for in college. Hearing her say that broke my heart. But it ignited the fire in me to avoid that situation. My will to avoid that scenario grew stronger and stronger each day after my mother told me the story.

At least I know now, right? Better late than never I guess. But I wish I knew sooner. I wish I knew even before I sent my college applications.

I can’t worry about the past, but I do want to address what I had in mind and that everything is not what it seems to be.

I received my first internship this summer. I was so fortunate that a women I knew since my sophomore year in high school still worked there. She fought hard for me to have an internship there. The people there shared their wisdom with me and told me that I have to work harder at my craft. They too shared stories on how college graduates didn’t get the jobs they desired while they were in college and ended up working at a job they never thought of doing. They believe in me, but only I can avoid that situation  from happening.

Networking and making connections is key. But I don’t like networking even though I know the importance of it to go far in my field. I want to go far in my field without networking too much. I just want to get the right and important connections, then have those connections be the solid connections in my network.

I’m still looking for another internship to build other relationships.

I never know what will exactly happen in the future, but I do know that the future can be changed right now—in the present.

So I’ll just focus on the now and the effort I put in for the present moment would alter my future to allow me to be where I need to be.

College

If I have to miss one thing about college—ONE thing, it would have to be the large amount of time I spend by myself. I will miss being alone in my dorm, spending the whole day in libraries, and listening to music while I walk around campus. Those are the ONLY things I will miss about college – nothing else. I realize that sooner or later I’m going to have to interact with people more than I have to now. So every time I’m alone, I will cherish every second of it.

I don’t understand how people can bring their acquaintances, “friends,” or people they JUST met to their dorms. They spent the WHOLE day around other people, and they have the audacity to bring their new “friends” back to their dorms. Why don’t they want to spend a few hours with themselves? You have been around people the ENTIRE day! Relax!

I know. It is their life. But it is my opinion.

I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Anyway, being alone is the only thing I will miss about college. A part of me wonders what my college experience would have been like if I befriended a few people, but when I eavesdropped on conversations around me, I’m glad I chose to be alone.

I wish there were people like me in college. To my surprise, there’s no one. I’m not saying EXACTLY like me, but have similar tastes when it comes to beliefs and politics. I guess everyone in college just wants to have fun. No one wants to have meaningful relationships anymore.

I’m being bias (of course) because I haven’t gone out yet. Subconsciously, I enjoy my freedom too much to meet someone that I will have to talk to on a day-to-day basis. It will be nice to meet someone who is not attached to the friendship label. Someone who can keep their distance and care about me without smothering me. Oh well.

My college days are coming to an end. Even though I have two years left, I can feel this chapter closing.

Would I Be Wasting My 20s?

Ever since I turned twenty, I began to feel the aging process. I finally realized that my time on Earth is limited. It’s kind of like a mid-life crisis, but in your twenties. I can’t help but think how quickly twenty years flew by, and in no time I’ll be forty. I even thought about having 4 sets of twenty years to live! I know that sounds crazy, but it was on my mind a few times.

Sometimes I think if I’m living my life like how a 20 year-old should live it. Then I catch myself and say, “You’re really going to take advice from society?” I like being by myself more than I like being around other people. I keep hearing that your 20s is the time to experience, explore, and make mistakes. What if I just want to listen to music, read books, and write? Am I doing the right thing? Should I do the things majority of the world is telling me to do or should I do what I feel comfortable with?

I hate how society doesn’t allow me to be who I am. Every time I do something, I have this “society subconscious” telling me what I’m doing is not the norm. It’s like an internal conflict. Then I tried to go with the norm and I didn’t like it – no matter how normal it is.

Should I be socializing? Should I get out my room? Would I be wasting my 20s? Am I wasting my 20s if I spend them watching movies and reading books? These questions have been circulating through my mind ever since I turned 20. They say don’t do something you would regret. But what if the same thing you love doing is the same thing that will make you regret in the future. Is my love for reading and being alone going to be detrimental for me in the future?

I’m tired of having these judgments in my head. Is there a right or a wrong way to live life?

I hate when I start thinking like this, but it happens. I don’t know what my 20s has in store for me. I know I have the power to make it the best or the worst. I just hope I can get through it.