Fighting for Happiness

I’ve been feeling down lately.  I know it’s temporary because that’s life. You go through ups and downs. But this emotion I’m feeling is hard to describe this time around.

It feels like I’ve been fighting for happiness lately. This Instagram account inspired me to write this post because what she shared perfectly described what I felt when I saw it on my Instagram feed this morning. The caption of the picture read: “I have to protect myself from the bad thoughts and fight for happiness.”

When I read it, I was in shock because someone described what I was feeling.

I feel like I am fighting for my happiness. Then the question came to me: “Why am I fighting for my happiness?”

Another question came to me as well: “Should I be fighting for my happiness?” I should if I want to keep sane, right? But should we really be fighting for it? Why can’t happiness be easily attainable?

As you can see, so many questions ran through my mind. And I’m still searching for the answers to them.

I commend myself for being so reflective. The more I ask myself these questions, the closer I can achieve inner peace.

At this point in time, I will fight for happiness. It’s the only option to do so. I came here for a reason and to not fight when things get rough is doing a disservice to the Source that created me and it will be a disservice to myself as well.

I would like to see what’s in store for me in the future. I would like to witness my growth.

So I will fight for my happiness.

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My Non-Existent Dating Life

I am swallowing my pride to write this post. I keep having reoccurring thoughts.

The thoughts I’m having stems from the fact that I’m not dating anyone.

I’m not looking for a long-term relationship as of yet. But if I meet someone and it leads to that, then I’m fine with that. The problem I’m having is that I don’t even have anyone to even date or talk to. Is that even a problem?

How much of my time is too much of my time? I spend a lot of time alone on a daily basis. I do enjoy my alone time. But life is all about balance. When I’m done recharging my energy in my alone time, whom can I exert that energy onto?

Is being too selective with my energy getting the best of me?  These are the reoccurring thoughts I’ve been having lately. I don’t want to think about them. But here they are creeping back to me every chance they get.

I’m internally debating whether it’s a personal issue or a societal issue. Am I not with anyone because I am too different or do I have issues in the past and/or in my childhood that I need to resolve?

I don’t know, but I always reflect on myself to see what I can find. Since I’m usually alone, I always have the time to be introspective.

I love rainy days

I love rainy days because it forces me to reflect on my life. In my solitude, I can finally read that book I wanted to read. I can write what I wanted to write when I was busy. I can meditate more. I can relax more.

The rain brings a soothing feel to me. I start to feel calm whenever I hear the rain pouring. I love that feeling.

Some people get angry when it starts to rain, maybe because their plans are ruined. But when it rains, my plans have just begun.

Everything I wanted to do but couldn’t because of the tasks of what needed to be done in the external world can finally be done because of the rain.

When it rains, some plans may get canceled. But the tasks that need be done in my internal world finally gets completed.

The flowers bloom after it rains, and so do I.

Thank you rain.

Woosah

I watched a video on how to control anger. I admit – I do have an anger problem. I can conceal it well in public, but in the inside – I want to punch through a wall. Since I’m becoming more aware of the world, I find myself becoming angrier than I was before. For there to be a solution, one must know there is a problem. I know I have a problem, so at least I’m a step closer to solving my problem.

The man in the video said the reason for my anger is not forgiving myself for what I’ve done in the past or what I didn’t do in the past. Through deep introspection, he was right. I haven’t forgiven myself for the decision I’ve made in the past.

I need to forgive myself for what I did, and finally move on. But for some reason, every time I try to bury it, my thoughts from the past keep resurfacing. How can I make it stop? How can I terminate those thoughts from coming back?

I guess I have to take it day by day. I just need to own up to what I’ve done. I grow every day. So when I reflect on the past, I question the decisions I’ve made because I know if I was given the opportunity again – it wouldn’t be the one I chose.

That’s why I get mad at myself because the person I am NOW wouldn’t have made that decision. That’s why his advice in the video resonated with me – I do need to forgive myself. What’s done is done. Now I need to heal and create a process that will allow me to forgive myself for what I’ve done.

For starters, this is a good way for me to get through it. Writing is therapeutic for me. Writing this out is a HUGE step for me.