Talking about religion & spirituality

Today has been very busy and quite exhausting as well. I have projects to complete, I am a secretary for an organization, I have online homework that is due in less than 24 hours, and I found out that I received an’F’ on my first exam for the semester. Even though there’s a lot going on, I know I’ll get through it.

I was in an area where I was completing my work for the day and for the days ahead. The place was going to close in ten minutes. So I decided to use the place closing as a gateway to take a break and relax outside.

I ordered a sub and made my way outside. I was anticipating spending time alone that didn’t involve work. I sat down, inhaled deeply, then exhaled. I took a bite out of my sub and stared off into nature.

As I was enjoying my solitude, I heard a voice saying, “Hello, may we pray for you today?” It was a female student who asked me the question. She was walking with another student who was a guy.

As soon as I heard the question, the elation I once had when I was enjoying my alone time quickly vanished. I said, “I don’t know.” She continued asking me the question. Then she asked me what year I was and what major I was in.

She hesitantly began, but confidently ended the prayer. Then the guy asked, “Sorry we didn’t ask what you believed in. What religion are you a part of?”

I said, “None.” He immediately asked if I believed in God. I told him our perspectives of what God is, is different. They kept describing God as a “He” and I described God as an energy and how I am that energy. We talked for at least 20 minutes about our different “beliefs.”

I am not into religion. I don’t look outside of myself for healing. I look within. I know there is a Source that created all there is. But that shouldn’t diminish the power you have as a human being.

After the conversation, we bid farewell. As they left, I was hoping to never cross paths with them as I’m walking around campus.

Why do followers of the Christian faith on campus are the ones disturbing other’s solitude? Can I relax without being questioned on who or what I believe in?

Instead of bottling up what occurred, I decided to write about it. As if I have a choice. Whenever something is on my mind, it becomes a neccessity to write it out. If I don’t, I will go crazy.

Probably that’s one of the reasons why I was so calm when we were talking about a heated topic like religion. I was thinking to myself, This encounter will be good for my blog. Another reason I was calm during the conversation was the fact that I was a firm believer in my truth. Not any religion’s truth nor anyone else’s truth.

I speak and live my truth. I am not here to convert anyone to think like me. I just want people to have the courage and the strength to think for themselves—without any societal influence.

I made sure to emphasize that point to them, but they kept talking about their Christian faith and why they believe it. They meant well, but not in the context for my sanity.

The only time I felt sane today was when I was writing this blog post. I always feel sane when I’m writing.

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Why do I feel uncomfortable when I’m ostracized?

At this point in my life, I should have already been accustomed to being alone. But during an event when it was obvious that I was being ostracized, you would think that it was my first time being by myself. Why is that?

That’s what I thought to myself when I went back to my dorm: Why was I in need of someone’s approval?

Some of us seek acceptance in others, but it is very dangerous if you do so. It is dangerous because they can take advantage of you and treat you in a way you don’t want to be treated.

These are all my thoughts. I am just speaking from experience. Every time I am seeking acceptance from others I am always left disappointed. Then I place blame on them when I am the one to blame for even giving them the power to choose if I’m approved by their acceptance of me.

I’m glad that incident happened because it showed me that I have a long way to go when it comes to self-love. Even though I came a long way, there’s always room for improvement.

Changing career paths at 21—or combining them

As I am finishing up my undergraduate year in college, I couldn’t help to think about my future in regards to my career.

In the beginning of my undergraduate years, I started thinking that I wanted to be a multimedia journalist. Now I’m thinking of moving in a different direction in my life. I’ve been thinking of becoming a social worker.

One of my greatest missions in life is to end poverty, hunger, oppression, and injustice in this world. Another part of me wants to have my own news network that would disseminate any news regarding those issues I previously listed.

I love to write, which is one of the many reasons why I am in the field I chose. But currently, how much truth is in our media right now? Not much. Even if they are telling society half-truths, it is still a lie. And I don’t want to be a part of any news medium that doesn’t tell the truth about society.

That’s why I decided to combine my two desires. I will be a social worker writing/reporting about the injustices in the world. I don’t know the step-by-step process yet, but I know that it will be done.

It will be done because I said so. And I will put my all into it to make my soul happy again.

Reflections on my summer and what to expect for the future

As I continue writing on this blog more often, I couldn’t help but glance at the other blog posts I published. I came a long way, but there is always room for improvement.

The one blog post that I wanted to do a sequel on is ‘Summertime is Manifesting Time.’ I realized that I didn’t write anything over the summer.

This summer has been productive and stressful. The stress stemmed from two things: finding an internship and what I’ll be doing as a career after I graduate from college. This summer was my last summer as an undergraduate.

I’m excited, but at the same time nervous. Nervous in the sense that I don’t know what will happen. It’s the uncertainty that has me nervous. I am also eager to see what I can do.

The one thing I didn’t like about college is the false hope that a job is guaranteed. It’s like I’m on this insane merry-go-round. “Get good grades to go to college.” “Go to college to get a job.” “Get a job to get money.” The one thing that is not told to college graduates is that a job in the field they desire is not guaranteed. The job you want will not be given to you; you must WORK for it.

When I say work, I mean give it everything you got. A degree won’t cut it. The qualities that will reward you the job you desire is effort and hard work—not the degree alone. I found that out at the end of my junior year and the beginning of my senior year.

I felt angry and depressed because I believed that a degree alone will land me the job that I desire in my field. Some college graduates don’t even work at the job they wanted to work at. And that to me is a nightmare. I want to do what I love. I don’t want to compromise my talents just because I have to get a “job.”

I want my “job” to be something I love doing. I love to read, write and report. I don’t want to do anything else unless it’s one of the verbs I listed prior to this sentence. I mean it.

My mother was telling me how a student from another university is working at a job she didn’t study for in college. Hearing her say that broke my heart. But it ignited the fire in me to avoid that situation. My will to avoid that scenario grew stronger and stronger each day after my mother told me the story.

At least I know now, right? Better late than never I guess. But I wish I knew sooner. I wish I knew even before I sent my college applications.

I can’t worry about the past, but I do want to address what I had in mind and that everything is not what it seems to be.

I received my first internship this summer. I was so fortunate that a women I knew since my sophomore year in high school still worked there. She fought hard for me to have an internship there. The people there shared their wisdom with me and told me that I have to work harder at my craft. They too shared stories on how college graduates didn’t get the jobs they desired while they were in college and ended up working at a job they never thought of doing. They believe in me, but only I can avoid that situation  from happening.

Networking and making connections is key. But I don’t like networking even though I know the importance of it to go far in my field. I want to go far in my field without networking too much. I just want to get the right and important connections, then have those connections be the solid connections in my network.

I’m still looking for another internship to build other relationships.

I never know what will exactly happen in the future, but I do know that the future can be changed right now—in the present.

So I’ll just focus on the now and the effort I put in for the present moment would alter my future to allow me to be where I need to be.

How college was a gateway to eating healthier

When it comes to eating in regards to college, some people link it to the ‘Freshman 15‘ or just all-around bad eating habits.

But for me, college forced me to eat healthier. It did so by me looking for the cheapest AND the less time-consuming food or meal to prepare for myself. Even though I love to cook, college doesn’t give me that luxury to do so. Time is of the essence!

When I go grocery shopping, I usually go to the produce section and buy oranges, bananas, and grapes. Then I buy bread and peanut butter. What I just listed was my college meal for most of the semesters I’ve been in college except for my freshman year. In my freshman year, I was on the meal plan.

Even with the meal plan, I still ate salads that I created at the salad bar. I got off the meal plan because it was too expensive and was not beneficial to my life as a college student when I can buy food for a cheaper price.

Sometimes the cheapest way to eat can be the healthiest. You don’t have to gravitate to Ramen noodles or soda. There are always healthier alternatives. Even though bread and peanut butter may not be the healthiest options out there, it is a better transition to healthier eating than Ramen noodles.

To each their own.

How I Feel About College Tour Guides

I decided to take some time out of my day to share my thoughts on what I feel about college tour guides. Since I’m taking classes over the summer, I’ve seen many incoming college freshman taking tours around campus. They are getting themselves acquainted with the college campus they will be walking on for the next four years of their lives.

College can be a great experience for some. For others, it can feel like hell. Well for me, I have to say I agree with the latter. I never really got the hang of college – socially. And I feel like college is all about being social and I’m the exact opposite. I’m in my third year, and I still don’t like college.

When I see tour guides leading and talking to the incoming freshmen, I feel like they are being liars. I know what you’re saying, “Why do you care?” I’m writing about this because I need to get it out of my system. I’ve been seeing too many faces of incoming college freshmen thinking their college experience will be the greatest experience of their lives. I’m here to write out on how they are truly mistaken. I’m writing this as a warning for any incoming college freshman. I’m doing what I wish someone would have done for me when I was on my way to college.

Reflecting on how I was when I made my decision to come to college, I felt tricked and unaware about the mental toll and the anxiety college would have on me. And right now, I feel like I’m carrying a burden of the ignorance I had for college and “the great college experience.”

Okay, so here we go. College tour guides are liars. They are putting up a front to the incoming college freshmen. Telling them how great college is and how happy they will be here. Straight. Bull.Shit. These incoming college freshmen on the tours are taking the bait, and I want to tell them what the bait REALLY IS!

How can the tour guides walk around campus convincing people how great college is? I can’t do that. My experience has been the worst experience I can ever go through or think of. Even with my crazy imagination, I could never create a story that will be similar to what I went through in college.

Based on my experience with college tour guides, I realized they were NOT being honest with me. I realized that now, since I knew what I got myself into. Why weren’t they real with me? Why did they plaster fake smiles across their faces? They should have just been honest with me. Just say, “Hey look, college is hard. Just make sure what you’re signing up for, okay?” Not one of those “amazing” college tour guides told me that – not one. And that’s why I don’t like them. If they weren’t truthful to me, what makes the incoming college freshmen think that they are being truthful to them?

“But you’re in college.” I know I’m in college. But if I knew what I know now, I would have made a better and wiser decision. But I didn’t. I just jumped straight into the hole without thinking of the consequences and without knowing the TRUTH about why college is REALLY here in our society.

I don’t like liars. Start telling the truth to incoming college freshman. Stop with the fake smiles. Stop filling their heads with high hopes and expectations. Just. Stop. It.

My Anxiety

Why does my throat close every time I see a lot of people? It feels like someone is strangling me whenever I see a LARGE group of people. What was I thinking going to a university with 50,000 students. Now, I think I would prefer a campus with fewer students. That’s why I like morning classes because everyone is still in bed. Having a class in the afternoon let’s me see EVERYONE in the university, and that’s overwhelming for me. I can’t even believe I got to class without fainting. *sighs*

Arrogance or Confidence?

I’m wondering if I’m stuck-up. I’m thinking if that’s the reason why people won’t talk to me. I guess I am in a way. But sometimes, too much confidence and knowing “too much” comes off as arrogance. I don’t think I know everything, but I know enough to not feel comfortable around my peers. When I’m around my peers, I don’t feel like myself because I want to communicate about bettering the world, society, the government. Most—not all—don’t want to have that conversation right now, and I’m wondering if they ever will.

As I’m walking to class, I see university students looking happy – almost oblivious to the world’s atrocities. I hate sounding negative, but I want to meet people who want to make the world a better place – right now! Not go to parties, be tour guides for incoming freshman, or believing that everything is okay. Nothing is okay!

When I see people doing something that’s not benefitting humanity, I start to get “stuck-up.” I don’t want to be around people who don’t think the way I do on a global scale.

I can’t take the gossiping, the parties, and the socializing. I’m tired of that!

I feel too old for my age. Everyone in my age group wants to party, socialize, and gossip. And here I am reading books and the news like an old woman. I don’t connect to anyone in my age group, and that is truly sad. I love living in this generation, why won’t my generation love me back? We can do a lot together as a team—as a generation. But how can we do that when most of us aren’t on the same page?

Are we ever going to be on the same page? I hope so.

Is that too much to ask for?

Typical

It seems like I will always be an outcast. I can’t fit in anywhere. I like being myself, but it is painful to feel the cost of being who you are around people who don’t accept you. Today on my newsroom shift, I felt ostracized and needed. I don’t like that feeling. To be needed and yet, no one thinks you exist.

Freshman Fury

When I was in the newsroom and I saw a freshman. For some reason I got mad. I don’t know if it was jealousy. But I think it was. When I was a freshman and sophomore in college, I locked myself in the dorm. I didn’t talk to anyone nor look to gain any leadership experience/skills. I didn’t try to make friends nor join any clubs because I was fighting my inner demons. I was fighting my insecurities and I was trying to ease the process of adjusting into a new atmosphere. It took me two years to finally adjust, and I’m still uncomfortable.

So when I see freshmen already getting acquainted with the college life, a sense of anger and jealousy comes over me. How come I wasn’t mentally prepared for college? Why wasn’t I a happy freshman?