When I was in the newsroom and I saw a freshman. For some reason I got mad. I don’t know if it was jealousy. But I think it was. When I was a freshman and sophomore in college, I locked myself in the dorm. I didn’t talk to anyone nor look to gain any leadership experience/skills. I didn’t try to make friends nor join any clubs because I was fighting my inner demons. I was fighting my insecurities and I was trying to ease the process of adjusting into a new atmosphere. It took me two years to finally adjust, and I’m still uncomfortable.
So when I see freshmen already getting acquainted with the college life, a sense of anger and jealousy comes over me. How come I wasn’t mentally prepared for college? Why wasn’t I a happy freshman?
I watched a video on how to control anger. I admit – I do have an anger problem. I can conceal it well in public, but in the inside – I want to punch through a wall. Since I’m becoming more aware of the world, I find myself becoming angrier than I was before. For there to be a solution, one must know there is a problem. I know I have a problem, so at least I’m a step closer to solving my problem.
The man in the video said the reason for my anger is not forgiving myself for what I’ve done in the past or what I didn’t do in the past. Through deep introspection, he was right. I haven’t forgiven myself for the decision I’ve made in the past.
I need to forgive myself for what I did, and finally move on. But for some reason, every time I try to bury it, my thoughts from the past keep resurfacing. How can I make it stop? How can I terminate those thoughts from coming back?
I guess I have to take it day by day. I just need to own up to what I’ve done. I grow every day. So when I reflect on the past, I question the decisions I’ve made because I know if I was given the opportunity again – it wouldn’t be the one I chose.
That’s why I get mad at myself because the person I am NOW wouldn’t have made that decision. That’s why his advice in the video resonated with me – I do need to forgive myself. What’s done is done. Now I need to heal and create a process that will allow me to forgive myself for what I’ve done.
For starters, this is a good way for me to get through it. Writing is therapeutic for me. Writing this out is a HUGE step for me.